I used to believe my mother was an honest person, probably, when I was young. As I grew up there were many times when I heard her lying, which we aren't supposed to say out loud so I'll say "tale-telling." Because that makes it better, right? It softens the edges of the word "lying", makes you have to search for the hidden truth.
Despite their acrimonious relationship, my mother has taken to being obsessed with my father's aches and pains. She will talk about how his this hurts or how his that is giving him trouble, which is really bizarre considering their relationship, considering I've never asked how he was doing, and considering it wasn't a subtle subject change. Still, I never really gave what she was saying much thought. She was usually trying to use his physical woes as excuses for why he was crabby, a jerk, etc. (So what was his excuse all those years ago before he got older, hm?) So I didn't really attribute his bad moods to that since he's always had one, I didn't really think about what she'd said.
So today a topic comes up at work and it involved the same ailment my mother says my father is now suffering from. However, among the aspects being discussed were none of the oh-so-troubling symptoms(to a drama queen) my mother had gone on about. Realizing that not everyone has the same experience, I looked it up on the internet and, sure enough, gee, nowhere does "being an a$$hole" fall under the list of symptoms of this ailment. Interestingly enough, the ailment actually doesn't usually have any symptoms.
It isn't that I really cared, it isn't that I put any stock in her words. It is that it shows me yet again that I can't take anything for granted as being true when I talk to her. Something so simple and something that she doesn't even care about yet she can't even tell the truth about that.
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My mother's husband apparantly suffers from the same affliction. And my mother is now dealing with his whiny-ness - karma and I LOVE it.
Does she know she is lying or does she convince herself that it is the truth?
(Not that that excuses her ehaviour in any shape or form.)
Kahless, I have no idea how she justifies it to herself. Some of the things I've heard her lie about over the years were just bald-faced, out-and-out lies; her favorites were to tell people about the bad things I had done recently--when in reality it was crap that my sibling (her favorite) had done! That used to really make me mad. Grrr!
Honestly, my mother can try to convince you in broad daylight that it is midnight. It used to work on me when I was young. Scary stuff, gaslighting.
Okay, I'm going to try to go deeper/further with her obsession with people's health. She did that with her MIL, too. She knew I didn't give a rip about that woman yet she would go on and on about her health. Now she does it with my father. I don't think that it's an attempt to annoy me as much as an attempt on her part to...try to look like the better person because she is so concerned and sympathetic about this person who antagonizes her? Oh, there is the martyr, her favorite role! Maybe that is it. Or maybe it's sort of like Stockholm syndrome?
Sometimes I think she has convinced herself that her lies are true. That is something I'm not sure I understand, but there it is.
I have a brother who lies senselessly. I don't get it, either. It can be about the stupidest, most inconsequential thing, and yet... he will make up some stupid and unbelievable lie about the situation. The scary thing is, I think he believes himself sometimes. At other times it's apparent that he's trying to backtrack and cover his lying butt. It's maddening. I know where he got that. My parents. Liars. Both of them. My father used to tell the same crazy and pointless lies. My mother, on the other hand, has an actual motive, even though it's sick and twisted. She lies to rewrite history. Sometimes to sanitize reality, and sometimes to erase it as completely as she possibly can. I don't like her. I rarely even speak to her now and my life has been better for the lack of involvement. She's just more than I am willing to tolerate. I used to hate her, now I guess I just don't feel much about her one way or the other most of the time. However, there are times...
uuum I'm wondering why you bother listening to her. She sends out such negative energy, no wonder you struggle dealing with her.
bbx
My mother did the same thing. She always blamed my father's behavior and attitudes on his health. He is diabetic - and he "just didn't feel well." I think they both had to make up plenty of lies in order to let the abuse go on.
Oh geez... I think I just found my "fit in" place. Your mother (and your readers' mothers) sound just like mine. Lucky us! lol! I've spent my entire life trying NOT to be like her. I think I wasted a lot of time though... seems it was NEVER in me to be like her in the first place. Too bad it took hindsight for me to see that.
I'd say the lying is the worst, because it essentially affects every one of our other key relationships. I've always said, "If my own mother can lie to me, how the heck am I suppose to trust anything anyone else says to me." (This same thing can be said about many other trust issues I've dealt with over the years, including rejection and abandonment.) It's taken a whole lot of time, but I've learned to separate her from me... and her from everyone else.
Clearly, the woman has and has always had issues. Oh well... I guess that's hers to deal with. In so many ways, I feel sad for her, but even so, I think I know that feeling sad for her is essentially pointless because her reality is just different than mine. What do ya do, you know?
BTW, thanks for visiting my blog and commenting on my post. I'll be honest in sharing with you that the I-AM-MAD communication tool works for me and works for my H (and even with my kids), but it doesn't work for my mother. She simply doesn't express emotions... and she will deny them to her bitter end.
I am going to link to you on my blog, because I definitely want to come back here! Thanks for sharing your life... and your struggles with it.
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