Sometimes I wonder if I am sabotaging myself, if the unspoken (and the spoken) messages I received as a child are culminating in self-fulfilling prophecies. I was told that I didn't deserve anything nice and so I have to prove them right, even though it's probably subconscious on my part now.
When things are going well, eventually I start to wonder how long it's going to last. It's as if I expect things to deteriorate. I wonder if I'm subconsciously fulfilling that belief that I don't deserve anything good in my life.
Sometimes(most of the time) I tend to lose sight of the fact that it's only if I don't try that I will never fall or never fail to do something. So when I put myself out there and take a risk, it is a given (as much as I don't want to admit it) that I might not accomplish that goal in the time frame I wanted. Of course, eventually I will get there unless I decide that goal isn't going to fit into my life anymore but I'm not exactly a patient person with myself.
I don't know that this is the most coherent post I've ever written, but that's what has been on my mind lately.
3 comments:
I have the same issue. Am I not getting things because of luck, because of not earning them, because of not deserving them? I tend to over-analyze. Then if things go well, I don't enjoy them for fear the bad is just around the corner.
No answers but wanted to let you know I could relate.
And I'm glad you are writing again!
Makes total sense to me.
self sabotage is such an easy place, it's where we are used to being. Are predictions are always right.. we always fail.
I know up until I trained as a psychotherapist when I was 44 I was always stupid. It changed the way I see the world. Now 10 years later I know 85% of the time I'm no longer stupid and the other 15... well I've got to strive for something.
As for being worthy of been loved, just don't get me started!!!
None of us is perfect it's just we imagine others are cause we make assumptions about them and never check them out.
You don't have to be a victim of your past if you choose not to be any longer.
Oh Gawd seem to have gone off on one.... subject dear to my heart!!!
hugs
pxx
I can't tell if it's "coherent" to the rest of the world but it sure made absolute sense to me! It's much like the Vulnerability posts I've been working on lately. There is a risk:reward ratio. No reward without some risk.
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