In the moments before sleep I let my mind wander, and recently I was reminded of a statement my mother once made to me: I don't give a damn what your father does to you as long as he doesn't hit me. That statement seemed strange even at the time she said it many years ago, as I wasn't discussing physical violence and I'd never seen him hit her. Apples to oranges. I interpreted it as her saying that she would rather him hit me than hit her. I knew he had a bad temper and would show it, but he usually exhibited it to her in covert ways. He would drive recklessly to scare the hell out of her, he would take it out on her favorite child, etc. But I never saw him physically threaten her, and I never saw him hit her.
I don't give a damn what your father does to you as long as he doesn't hit me. I don't give a damn what your father does to you as long as he doesn't hit me. Over and over I have been repeating it, trying to figure it out. At first that was how I thought she meant it--as if he would hit her if he didn't hit me-- but now it dawns on me what she really meant. At the time she said that I had been begging her to get me away from him. Her response --properly punctuated--was, "I don't give a damn what your father does to you, as long as he doesn't hit me." The comma is the difference, and it separates the two acts; it is not equating his hitting her with his hitting me, it is stating her limit.
"I don't give a damn what he does to you, as long as he doesn't hit me."
That was her line in the sand. If he crossed that line, then she would leave him. Me, I was unimportant. Whatever he did to me didn't matter. Hitting her would be the last straw. Anything else she could live with.
Well, that's good to know.
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8 comments:
your mother was effectively giving your father permission to do what he wanted with you.
Wow. I've read this over a few times now. I am horrified for you. I cannot fathom how callous your mother is to be able to actually come out and state that to you. Kahless is right..she have him permission to do what he wanted and she essentially told you not to bother complaining to her about it because it didn't matter to her.
The funny thing about your post, for me, is that I realize my mother "said" the same thing but only in actions. She never did anything to intervene in my abuse even though she was well aware of it. In fact, she'd walked in on it happening more than once and just turned around and left. When I told what was happening, she stayed silent and did not back me up. When did she file for divorce, though? After my father raised his hand to her. Didn't even go through with striking her...just raised his hand in preparation. And that was it for her. I never realized how powerful that was until I read your post.
((((hugs))))
The same thing happened to me in a way. I don't know *for sure* if she knew about any contact sexual things, but she knew he was violent to all of us kids and she rarely intervened at all. Sometimes she would even threaten us with his violence. The one time she left him? It was when he hit her. I don't think she really cared about us, only about herself.
He is dead now, and to this day, she minimizes it all. It makes me furious that she does that. She's such a liar.
I've just read quite a way down your blog. And you ae some tough cookie, which I mean with respect. To be able to start/come to terms with what you've been through is bloody good. Power to you hon.
Thanks for stopping by to allow me to come here.
pxx
My mother left my father for being physically abusive. She put up with him hitting her, but apparnantly he went too far with me one day. Ironically I have no memory of this at all. Yet, my mother did not leave her second husband for molesting me.
Like what your mom said, I always thought the lessonn was "as long as he does't touch me (mom), he can do what he wants to you." I asked her later, and actually she said that to her, physical violence was unacceptable, but sexual touching was "no big deal."
Words like my mom said and words like your mom said -- those words will haunt forever. Some of our moms say it aloud. Some say it in actions. Some say it to others.
My mother too said words to that effect by her lack of protecting me. During my early thirties I got involved with a man who turned out to be a violent psycho. I left him about 6 months later (which is as long as it took to get the means together to do so.)
My mother said to my sister, in regards to my not leaving him immediately, "I wouldn't stay with any man who hit me once."
Ok, well, but she would stay with one who molested and beat up her kids. I guess this kind of screwy thinking makes a kind of sense to people like her. As a mother myself, I don't get it. And I'm glad it makes no sense to me.
I'm sorry your mother said those wounding words to you. How awful!
Beauty
bdreamer.squarespace.com
Thank you for all your comments. They mean a lot.
Reading this disheartens me. I am told that parents are supposed to be loving and supportive, but I haven't found that to be the case. Your experiences sound worse than mine. That sucks. There is an irreplacable sense of safety that every individual must have in order to stay alive. Growing up without it is devastating. I'm sorry.
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