It seems that a lot of sexual abuse survivors have a certain year or milestone that brings it all roaring to the forefront again. Maybe it's something in us that feels safe to finally process our past and to feel the pain that we have suppressed and repressed for so long. It may be the journey into becoming a wife or mother, or it may be turning 25 or 30 or 40 or 50 and taking stock of our lives and where we are. Whatever the cause, it turns our current lives into chaos in trying to deal with our past lives. It is painful, both for ourselves and for the ones who love us.
The pain of childhood sexual abuse does not go away completely, but it can subside with time. I've about exorcised those demons for now through writing about the abuse because, while it went into creating part of me, it is not who I am. A very unusual event brought all this back up for me again but I am not back at square one. I know what happened but it is not in my life today. I do not think about it every day under normal circumstances any more. I do not own the shame any more. I enjoy sex and am fortunate to be able to enjoy it without flashbacks or being creeped out. It took a lot of processing, work, and counseling but I now consider myself pretty much "normal", as much as is possible anyway.
For anyone reading this who is a survivor and suffering, please remember that we are resilient. We have survived the storm. The after-effects and trying to deal with the knowledge may feel like another storm, but that is our mind and psyche trying to comprehend everything we have suffered. Please be gentle with yourself. We have suffered enough already.
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6 comments:
I love this. Very encouraging from someone who has done the work and does not pretend with fake happiness all the time, but still feels mostly okay. My life is an armpit right now from all this mess that has NEVER been processed. It slapped me right upside the head and refused to go away. Sometimes I'm okay for anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks (when I'm very lucky). Sometimes I'm a walking disaster area. Sometimes I'm furious. Sometimes I can barely get out of bed. Sometimes I wish my father was still alive so I could strangle the life right out of him. Sometimes I feel like an outcast because of the fakers who don't understand my anger. Sometimes I hate my mother because she doesn't believe me. She had the nerve to tell me that this sick thing was my FANTASY. She has got to be the worst shrink EVER. I feel sorry for her clients.
Thank you. I want other survivors, especially those who are struggling to come to terms with their memories and their pasts, to know that life does get better.
Your mother was/is a shrink? Ugh, you're the not the first person I've heard say that their very misguided parent is one. Scary, isn't it? Although I've seen some very poor therapists in my lifetime, too. It makes me wonder how many clients think it's them and not the bad therapist?
When you say "fakers" who don't understand your anger, to whom are you referring?
Finally found my way over here. I like this post. very encouraging. Thank you.
Hi Angel. Thanks for visiting my dog blog. My mind is blank right now, so just say hi!!!
I mean the ones who minimize it.
angel, you are so right. We are resilient. Surviving in the first place was huge, ever reaching a place to deal with the abuse is even bigger. I wish that more survivors would get that courage.
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