I have gone back and forth on whether or not to post this. Very few people in my life have ever been told about this, and those who know didn't know what to say. Maybe someone else will have a more objective opinion/perspective that will "click", maybe they won't, but I am interested in other people's thoughts on this.
Certain events in my life are clear enough but I don't know the time frame in which they occurred. For example, I know I was abused by a family member when I was 3 or 4. I told, but no one ever told me that what he did was wrong versus me being wrong for it. Being a child, I internalized the blame. I still had to see him at every family gathering and holiday. It made me feel sick to see him. I hated the holidays because of it, but no one cared. It would have interfered with their lives and apparently wasn't worth it to them so I grew up with this shadow hanging over me all the time but especially at every family gathering.
Another event that has always haunted me was around the same time. Because of the gaps I wonder if I was younger (than 3 or 4) but I don't know. For years I have wondered if it would have happened if I hadn't already been made "dirty" by the abuse by the family member. Being a typical child, I liked candy. When I was 3 or 4 I saw a glass jar on a high shelf at a relative's house (the same relative's house we went to for every gathering and holiday) and it was filled with what looked like candy to the child me. I remember asking my dad for it; he was in the hall and I called to him, he walked into the room, I asked for the M&M's and showed him where they were, he got the jar down, gave it to me, and then walked out. I must have eaten at least one. Maybe I took a handful, I don't know. The pills and I were alone in the room, I don't remember how anyone found out that I had them. Did I notice that they tasted funny and tell my mother that the candy didn't taste right? Did someone walk into the room and see me with the jar of what turned out to be prescription pills? I don't know. The next thing I remember is being shoved into the scratchy bushes in the front yard at home (which was on the other side of town) to vomit after being given syrup of ipecac. (So did they wait until they got back to our house to give me the ipecac and make me vomit? That would mean that the drug was in my system for at least the half hour it would have taken to get back to our house.) I was not taken to the hospital as that would have brought questions they didn't want to answer.
The timing has always bothered me because I wondered if it would explain my father's action. He could have seen clearly that the pills weren't M&M's, yet he gave them to me. Why? Was this after the family member abused me, so I was now tainted (by sexual abuse) and he saw the opportunity to get rid of "the troublemaker" or source of the problem?
Or was it "just" plain old negligence? He didn't pay attention to what I was saying(M&M's) or what he was getting down(pills) and giving to me? He didn't mean to poison me and it was just a bad accident?
My mother refuses to discuss anything about the incident.
I have very strong feelings whenever I think about someone giving other children pills like that, but for some reason I keep trying to determine my father's "real" intent. Maybe he didn't really mean it, I try to tell myself. Maybe he just wasn't paying attention. Why do I have such difficulty accepting that he did a bad thing even that far back?
But then I think of the father who gave his other young daughter beer and laughed at how she staggered when she was drunk. Yes, it must have been a hilarious sight, watching her stagger drunkenly in her diapers. I remember being upset about his having done that to her. He knew what he was doing then, yet he did it anyway for his own amusement.
So what would you label someone giving their child such "candy"? Maybe if someone else says it was wrong, I can finally accept that he was wrong for doing it and move on--instead of trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. (Why in the world would I do that, anyway? That is warped. I would be furious at someone giving a helpless child pills like that, so why am I so reluctant to be angry about this?)
It actually explains a lot. This may well be why as a child I refused to eat anything my mother fixed to eat unless 1) I saw her prepare it myself so that I could see what went into it or 2) my sister was fed from the same dish. (My mother doted on my sister insanely, so I doubted she would poison her.) Seriously, I had that figured out at a young age--that is warped, and really sad that it was necessary. And I was aware of how "wrong" it was to feel that way, despite my young age, so I never told anyone about it.
So, what do you think? I really want to know.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
I think any adult who gives a child a jar of pills is sick. Either psychopathically sick because the parent thinks it's funny or sick sick because they don't realize the danger. Or they are psychopaths intent on getting rid of a child they perceive to be a nuisance or a threat.
IMO, it doesn't matter. The adult is someone to be wary of and never left alone with a child. It's the responsibility of any other adults to make sure the child is never left with that person and to determine whether psychiatric or legal intervention is required.
(((((((((Hugs))))))))
You should have been protected. You should have been loved.
Your father's behavior was unconscionable.
Some parents really, really shouldn't be parents. Some don't know how to love and/or care for their children. As a child, we can't let ourselves acknowledge that. (E. Sue Blume, Secret Survivors) As adults we can begin to let ourselves recognize the truth.
(Hey, my mother used to tell me I was crazy and should kill myself before anyone found out--and she'd tell me in detail how I should do it!)
I'm so glad you survived. And yeah, your father's behavior was heinous and the other adults were irresponsible not to do something about it.
It was wrong - absolutely wrong. It should not have happened.
As a child, my preschooler asks for things all the time. Some things she shouldn't have - knives, scissors, medicine. Other things she shouldn't have right then - candy before bed or a meal, stickers as we are walking out the door, markers in her pretty dress. It is my job as a parent to protect her and to only give her what she can have.
It was your father's job too.
First off, I want to commend you for posting it. It's clearly a difficult topic for you to talk about.
I think this is a case of the void between head and heart. In your head, you absolutely know that whatever the intent, what your father did was horribly wrong. You know you would be furious if you heard of it happening to someone else. But to let that reality and anger sink into your heart means you really have to feel it and deal with the implications of whatever firestorm those feelings evoke. I still struggle with labeling certain events "abuse" for just that reason.
I have to believe that any adult would A) know the difference between pills & m&m's and B) take a careful look at a jar of anything they are handing to a child. Unfortunately, it seems you may never know the particulars of that event with your mother's refusal to discuss it. Whatever the motive, his actions were abusive. Absolutely what he did was beyond wrong...it was egregious and criminal.
Wow, Angel. Of course you should have been protected! Children are so precious and all deserve love and protection.
I understand your uneasy and uncertain feelings about this memory of your childhood, though. I have similar things that make me question whether or not something was what it appears to maybe have been or what the real intention was. I can't always make up my mind, either. I have come to one conclusion, though. Something was terribly wrong for us to have these doubts. We should be able to at least not think that our parents were ambivalent about whether we lived or died! We have plenty of reason to be angry. I don't know if someone would have such nagging doubts about something so serious if they had been treated properly and felt truly loved by their parents. We were cheated, Angel. That's not right.
Re: fear of poisoning - I think it was natural for you to feel that way, given what happened.
yes your fathers behaviour was unconscionable and cant be put down to an 'accident.' For some perverted reason it was deliberate - that or could he have been high on drugs? (still inexcusable)
He was sick and perverted and abusive. He may well have been your sexual abuser? Either way, definately not fit to be a father.
i am sorry
{{{{hugs}}}}
I appreciate the comments and have been thinking about them. Adding in the context of his many other cruel actions over the years, I know in my head that the poisoning was intentional. I kept trying to excuse him/his actions, but the room I was in would probably not have had candy in it. It was a bedroom, a sick (ill) person's bedroom. My father likes to show off his intellectual superiority but no adult with a brain would have expected candy to be in that particular room. I guess I was being allowed to wander through the house.
My parents were never "high", so they do not have that excuse. Those kinds of drugs were not in the picture.
My first abuser was another male relative. My father was later.
My mother did tell me the type of drug it was, before she felt threatened by the past and freaked out. I was trying to see if that was what caused a medical issue for me and she realized that I might be able to link that poisoning to a current condition and freaked out.
My father certainly does seem to meet a lot of the criteria for "psychopath." I hesitate to use the label for it seems overused, but it does fit him.
Damn, your parents acted dispicably. I do not understand the extent of your feelings, all I can do is relate from my own experience. My life is plenty shitty. It sickens me to hear such stories. I am sorry.
Post a Comment