It's when things are most important to me that I wrestle the most with whether to write about them or not. In light of recent discussions on blogs about how we can take things very personally and read rejection or hurt into them where none is necessary, I feel it is a timely topic. It's so painful, though, that I've hesitated, and hesitated.
I've been in shock since I was told that the person I've known and trusted and loved the longest is dying. She is being heavily sedated to take away the pain, but cancer is still an awful, awful illness. It isn't fair. She's too young, she has young children, she has so much to live for. She wants to live a long life, she wants to watch her children grow up, but the disease isn't giving her that option.
Yet she is a very private person so I should not be surprised that she does not want visitors in her final moments. She wants to remove herself from the world of the living so that she can be at peace when she dies, instead of railing at the cruelty of it like I'm sure she must want to do and like I want to do. She wants to disengage from her emotional attachments, release herself like a balloon to float into the atmostphere. In my intellectual mind I can understand that, but that means going beyond the instinctive hurt I feel. I feel like she is finding me lacking somehow, like I can't provide her with any comfort in her time of need. I am hurt that I am not up to her standards and feel rejected.
But it isn't always about me. This is not about my being lacking in any area, at my not being worthy of comforting her. It is completely about her needs. She needs peace. If she needs to detach in order to find it, then that is simply what she needs. I need to love her enough to give her what she needs. It is her right and her due. There is no point in my feeling rejected.
There's more, but this is enough for now. This is simply another illustration to show how it isn't always about us, no matter what our painful pasts may lead us to believe.
8 comments:
I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss, Angel. How terrible. Maybe the rejection you perceived can be tracked to its real source and you can place it at the feet of the person or people who taught you that those you love will reject you. I have found that being able to acknowledge where something originated can assist me so I am less likely to spread it out into places where it isn't.
oh man we are sorry fa ya pain cancer is a terrible painful awful thin an even more when ya are young. We hope ya cna get ta realy say goodbye soon
I am really sorry too, for the pain and loss you are feeling Angel.
I guess not only is she is pain, the drugs she is taking will be clouding her mind.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Death is horrible.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for the very sad situation with your friend.
It's commendable that you love this person enough to allow her the privacy of her needed detachment, despite how rejected this makes you feel.
You're right that it's not ALL about you, but you have the need and right to feel as you do, and to grieve.
Sorry hun, thats tough. I just wanted to tell you that I admire you for realizing that you need to put yourself aside for her. Excellent insight. You are a truly amazing friend.
you're right. it's not always about us although it feels like it is. It's hard to watch someone we love in pain, or die. My heart goes out to you. Sarah
A difficult time for her and for yaou and all that love her. I understand your pain and your wanting to do for her. Too be a supporter and friend or relative is very hard. It's wonderful that you are giving her what she asks for and what she neeeds. You are a true friend. The drugs will help her.Remember her to her children and others that love her. Share memories together,she lives on in your hearts and you can "see" her that way always. Sending you a warm embrace. She knows she is loved.
Katharina
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