My (Least) Favorite "Holiday"

Many of us detest Mother's Day. It is yet another painful reminder of what we did not have growing up and what many of us continue to not have today--a loving mother figure who accepts us as we are and actually considers the effect her actions have and have had upon our lives. I'd like to wax poetic about the many ways my mother showed how much she loved me. I'd like to tell you about the warm hugs, the neverending emotional support, the security of growing up surrounded by so much love. But I can't tell you about that because that wasn't in the house I grew up in.

To be fair to my mother, I will say that there are some examples of some kind of love or caring from my mother--but they actually make me even sadder because of their pitiful lack. They aren't that heartwarming. Mostly the few displays stemmed from her own feelings of sadness or unhappiness and really didn't have much to do with me. They weren't recognition that I needed nurturing or was worthy of caring, much less love.

So this Mother's Day fills me with the same sadness it always does. The flowery cards available in stores just don't accurately reflect our relationship. Examples:
-"You were always there for me." No, can't say that.
-"I could always count on you." Um, to insult me, sure, but I don't think that is what the card is referring to.


Actually, it looks like e-mail Mother's Day cards contain much more neutral sentiments than the excessively sugary, nausea-inducing cards available in the greeting card aisles, but not many mothers would be satisfied with an e-mail instead of a card. Maybe it's that they want something tangible to show to themselves and others how wonderful they are.

Okay, so my mother wasn't always loving or supportive or "there" for me. That used to fill me with resentment, but now it mostly makes me feel sad. Don't misunderstand--there are days when she can still make me angry, but my overriding emotion when I think of her is sadness. I am sad because I now have an inkling of what she has missed out on and is still missing out on.
-She missed out on having a true relationship with me. Our relationship is very superficial. If I tell her anything "real", I frequently end up regretting it. Anything told to her can and will be thrown in my face at any time.
-She missed out on knowing what a good person her daughter is. This sounds self-congratulatory but I'm a good person. However, my mother doesn't know that because she sees me through a filter of her own actions and warped ideas. She always assumes the worst of me, but not of her other child(ren). I used to believe that it was a reflection of how she thought I was "dirty" or something similar, but now I suspect that it is because of her own feelings about her own behavior when she was younger. She always assumed that I was doing the "bad" things she herself did as a teen. She was obsessed with the idea that I was doing drugs and smoking when I was a teen; the fact that I hadn't left the house and wasn't allowed to didn't matter to her. She was sure I was doing it. Later I learned that she had begun smoking at a very young age. Her certainty that I was smoking was based on her own past, not on my actions. That filter hindered her from seeing me for myself or my own actions.
-She has to live with her actions. I wouldn't want to be her. If she is ever honest with herself, it isn't going to be pretty.

Most of all, I now know more about the mother-child relationship and what it can be like. And it isn't all about being the cookie-baking mom who doesn't work; it's about all the little moments that add up to an overall feeling of acceptance, love, belonging, etc. The knowledge that there is someone always in your corner, someone you can count on. Regardless of whatever faults a person may have, for a child to have that kind of security means to me that someone is a good mother. At that my mother failed, and I don't envy her having to live with that. It's true that she may not be in touch with reality enough to fully acknowledge that, but on some level I think she has to know and have regrets.

Happy Mother's Day? I don't think so.