Tis the Season

In the midst of what seems (on the blog) like constant angst--which I've explained is not the actual case, it's simply because this is the only place where I am completely honest so all the negative-sounding stuff comes out here--it's been a great day and I thought I would share it.

Sleeping late is not something I get to often do so today's waking at 10 a.m. was shocking, as was the realization that it was snowing. With a big holiday party later today I went to the store and got the ingredients to do some baking for the party and now everything is ready and the house smells wonderful. I'm not much on domestic duties but I love the smells of baking. Add some holiday music and the scene is set, you know the environment I'm in at the moment. I'm hesitant to go take my shower because I'm enjoying it so much, but I should no doubt get a move on.

Ah, the smells and sounds of the holidays!

About the Title "Damn You, Love Me!"

The title of that post has been bothering me because I wasn't sure what it was trying to say. If I am not sure what it is saying, how can I expect anyone else to understand? But I've left it alone and have been letting it percolate in my subconscious.

So far I think it's about the contradictory push and pull I feel towards people. I want to have people close to me, people I can trust, yet at the same time I have a tendency to not trust and to push people away. Just like how I'm so distrustful of the guy who treated me lovingly that I am either waiting for him to hit me with the punchline or start acting like a jerk towards me. The possibility that he could be genuine and be a decent guy....well, the odds are against that, right?

So on one hand I'm my independent self and I don't need anyone, and on the other hand I'm a very social person who feels pretty darned good about working in conjunction with another. The two sides are warring with each other, maybe?

I've always felt I was a fairly simple person to understand but I am starting to revise that opinion. ;)

Thankful

It's a bit after Thanksgiving but I'm feeling thankful at the moment and am glad to write about something positive. There are a lot of positive things in my life and I'm headed in the right direction. I've done some cool things and have been learning a lot about myself in the process. There are some really neat people in my life. Yeah, it's annoying to have childhood stuff come back up but maybe I can still learn from it. And I know this is just a phase, that it will again fade to the background of my life. Overall I am happy with where I am in my life and thankful for it.

I'm in a Good Place Mentally

Despite the darker tone of my previous post, I'm in a good place mentally. The many life changes I've made have not been easy but were necessary. I'm growing as a person, which is not a painless process by any stretch of the imagination. Certain parts of my new life have been bringing back earlier traumas, which the darker posts reflect, but this blog is where I am the most honest about my feelings so it may seem like a lot of negativity simply because this is the sole place where I express and expel it. This is the only place I don't soften the words or the pain.

The train of thought about my feeling of not being loveable will no doubt continue, but that is something that I'm sure a lot of survivors can identify with so I will let it flow. It helps me to read others' feelings on their blogs so I will share mine as well.

Damn You, Love Me!

**Warning:: Adult language, adult theme**

I've become selfish, a voice whispers.

I want too much, it whispers too.

Who do you think you are?, yet another voice from the past whispers in my head.

Surely you don't think you could possibly deserve love, do you?, yet another hateful voice hisses at me.

"F*** you!", I think intently at the voices. "Shut the f*** up!" I am angry, so angry I could almost yell the words aloud. It doesn't matter how loudly I shout the words, though, it won't silence the voices.

Nothing silences the voices. Nothing.

But you know what reduces their volume? He does. He and the ways he shows me caring and consideration. Even when I don't act as if I am worthy of it, he accords me respect. He makes love to me, even when I urge him to f** me, just use me without regard and get it over with. He kisses me tenderly, even when I encourage him to bite me and hurt me. He shows passion for me yet I know I could break the embrace if I wanted to.

And I love it.

Where I had developed a taste for the pain, now he has me loving the tenderness again. Where before I had grudgingly accepted the usefulness of soulless sex, he has shown me that I don't have to have that.

Damn him.

Front Row, Center

Wow, I feel like I've been gone for a lifetime, or maybe two. I've missed blogging, I've missed the friends I'd made here. In my absence from the blog I've undergone a lot of change and am still trying to decide what I'll do with that. Will I continue this blog or begin a new one? Will I continue with the Angel identity or just scrap her and start fresh with another? There is such freedom in that, in creating anew and leaving behind the old.

Yet Angel is a part of me. I don't want to throw her away. I recognize her value in my growth. The massive amount of change in my life has brought back some of Angel's issues front and center; I've been rereading my posts and realize how much progress I'd made that I've forgotten about.

Boundaries are a healthy thing. Part of me wants to limit the "abuse issue" (makes it sound so small and clinical, like you can just excise the lump and forget it existed) to this blog and put my new life in a separate one.

I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. Feel free to voice what you would do. I'm open to suggestions.

Once Again, It Isn't Always About Us

It's when things are most important to me that I wrestle the most with whether to write about them or not. In light of recent discussions on blogs about how we can take things very personally and read rejection or hurt into them where none is necessary, I feel it is a timely topic. It's so painful, though, that I've hesitated, and hesitated.

I've been in shock since I was told that the person I've known and trusted and loved the longest is dying. She is being heavily sedated to take away the pain, but cancer is still an awful, awful illness. It isn't fair. She's too young, she has young children, she has so much to live for. She wants to live a long life, she wants to watch her children grow up, but the disease isn't giving her that option.

Yet she is a very private person so I should not be surprised that she does not want visitors in her final moments. She wants to remove herself from the world of the living so that she can be at peace when she dies, instead of railing at the cruelty of it like I'm sure she must want to do and like I want to do. She wants to disengage from her emotional attachments, release herself like a balloon to float into the atmostphere. In my intellectual mind I can understand that, but that means going beyond the instinctive hurt I feel. I feel like she is finding me lacking somehow, like I can't provide her with any comfort in her time of need. I am hurt that I am not up to her standards and feel rejected.

But it isn't always about me. This is not about my being lacking in any area, at my not being worthy of comforting her. It is completely about her needs. She needs peace. If she needs to detach in order to find it, then that is simply what she needs. I need to love her enough to give her what she needs. It is her right and her due. There is no point in my feeling rejected.

There's more, but this is enough for now. This is simply another illustration to show how it isn't always about us, no matter what our painful pasts may lead us to believe.